Death

An older brother of a high school friend was tragically killed this last week, and it's left me with some psychological grumblings. I hadn't actually talked to this friend in quite a while - we went to the same university after high school, but ended up on very different tracks and had just naturally grown apart. We kept in contact on facebook, but that was about it.

I think the reason his brother's death is hitting me so hard (besides my own issues with death) is that I had been sort of gossiping about him just a few days before his brother died. I was out drinking with another high school friend, and we were talking about everyone who had gotten married, who had kids, who had kids and didn't get married, who was already divorced - the usual small town gossip. The aforementioned friend had just had a kid, and we were commenting on how....(not unlikely....surprising?) that was.

And then his brother died.

Can you imagine how awful that must be, to be celebrating the birth of your child one day, and mourning the loss of your sibling the next?

I sent a short message to my friend, and am planning on going to the funeral, but the whole thing is leaving me feeling just a little bit guilty. And of course, my own issues are resurfacing a bit more.

I'm still dealing with my depression and PTSD regarding Tori's death. Thankfully, the PTSD symptoms have mostly lessened over the past 2 years - the "wake up in the middle of the night screaming because she is drowning and just out of reach" nightmares happen only a few times a year now, and I don't get panic attacks from discussing pediatric death cases. I still have "triggers" of course, but I think they're more related to the general depression.

We talked a lot about death in my ethics class this week - specifically, if patients have the right to refuse treatment and consequently, the right to die. We watched and discussed the infamous Dax case - to be quite frank, it made me ANGRY. For me, death can be awful, but not nearly as awful as some other outcomes. I think there's a very important reason we wish our dead to "rest in peace".

It's also not helping that my grandfather is in the hospital again, and my mother doesn't seem to feel the need to tell me until several days after the fact. This is now the 3rd time he's had to go in for various reasons, and I've asked her to tell me when it happens, and she didn't bother to tell me until 3 days after the fact - and at my brother's football game.

My issues with my family right now are a whole other story, but I'm just at a bit of a loss right now. Thankfully school is going well and I've got some fun projects coming up to keep me distracted. I just really hope death doesn't come in threes this time.